Divorce

 This week we talked about how divorce or death can affect a family.

Fortunately, I have not experienced divorce or death in my family (at least with my immediate family members). I feel so blessed to say that! But with that, I don’t feel very qualified to speak on these things. I have had friends with divorced parents and that’s about all the knowledge I have of being in those situations. So, I will do my best to share insights from my class from my teacher (and our studying) who has much more experience dealing with these things.

Divorce and death will change a family forever. The culture will change. The routines will change. Nothing is ever the same after that. Divorce is something that we can have more control over how things change. One of my good friends growing up has divorced parents. Both of her parents are happily remarried now, but that has changed her family culture a lot. I think her parents divorced when she was pretty young. They have been divorced for as long as I can remember and we’ve been friends since we were six. I remember her telling me about her stepdad (that her mom is married to now) and she would tell me that he would try and discipline her. She and her sisters were not having that. Which is completely understandable! I wouldn’t want someone who seemed random to me, who is not my real parent telling me what to do. Especially as an older kid. I think when her mom remarried, we were in middle school or freshmen in high school. But this is one thing we talked about in class. When you marry someone, who has been divorced and has kids, you need to leave the discipline to the birth parent. If you discipline them, kids will often respond with something like “well, you’re not my mom/dad, you can’t tell me what to do!” I remember conversations with all my friends with remarried parents telling me stories like this. So, from the perspective of the kids, you will have a much better chance of having a good relationship with the kids if you are not trying to discipline them. My teacher put it is as try to be the “best aunt or uncle”. I think that is really great advice because it makes sense. Most people know what that means and what to do with that. I think putting in the effort to have a good relationship with the kids of the person you marry is one of the best ways to try and help the transition.

Another thing my teacher mentioned is that it takes two years (on average) to feel any sense of normalcy after divorce or getting remarried. It takes time to adjust as a family to the new schedule, rules, and routine. It probably takes that time with each of those things. It will take a couple years after the divorce to feel “normal” and another two years after either parent remarries to feel normal again. It’s important through these experiences to help the child or children cope with it and help them understand what is going on. In class, we talked about how some parents may use their kids to help them through the divorce instead of the parent helping the kids. Kids usually don’t understand what is going on, depending on their age. As adults, we have to care for those kids in our homes. Even if you know a child whose parents are going through a divorce, we can try to help them. Parents shouldn’t use their kids as spies to report back what the other parents is doing. Kids will feel like they need to choose a side, and that’s not fair. Unless the kids are in danger, don’t ruin their view of their other parent. It’s not healthy for anyone.

Divorce is difficult. I know I can’t say much more than that and try to understand and do what I can to help because I don’t know what it is like. But I know it can’t be easy. But the good news is that it doesn’t have to always be that way. Life will go on and things will get better.