Communication and Conflict Resolution

Can we all agree that communicating is hard? I cannot tell you how many times my husband and I have been in a disagreement (or even just a conversation) and by the end we realize that we were both trying to say the same thing, but we were having some miscommunications. The struggle is real for sure. I want to write about the negative and positive consequences of conflict, but I also want to add in how we can have better communication. I feel like a lot of times we just talk about how communicating is so difficult, but no one ever talks about how to make it easier for us.

There are obviously negative things that come from conflict, but there are positive things as well!

We’ll start with the negative, so we can end on a good note and feeling hopeful.

Some of the negative consequences of conflict (I want to add here that we are talking super bad conflict, not just little things that happen. I don’t want anyone to think if you have any conflict whatsoever that you are doomed.) are poor health behavior, not being able to relate to others as well, more self-destructive, higher levels of anxiety and aggression, and a greater likelihood of having lower-quality romantic relationships and marriages. Those are such a few of the outcomes for children that have parents who argue badly and often. So maybe parents that fight all the time shouldn’t just stay together for the kids. It might be better in those cases to get divorced. Kids need a happy healthy environment to be in. If that means they don’t have both their parents in the same house because they always fight, then that’s okay.

Here are some of the positive functions (rather than consequences): brings the issues out into the open, helps clarify issues, can grow through conflict, small arguments help defuse larger ones, and it can create and maintain a balance of power. One of the big things from this section is that having the smaller arguments truly does prevent larger ones from forming. If we are willing to talk about the little things that bother us, then we won’t fill up with resentment and lash out randomly when we have had enough. It really is healthy to talk about how you are feeling. I have had to learn this. I hate talking about feelings. I am not good at talking about things that make me sad or feel anxious. I am really good at talking about the things that make me mad. I don’t get mad first though. I feel sad or anxious first. If I would just talk about how I am sad or anxious, then I wouldn’t explode with anger. My husband and I have been working on that together. Our first anniversary is coming up this week, and we have come so far in this first year together with our communication.

(A random piece of advice I would like to give: please go to bed angry. Especially if it is late. I cannot tell you how many times my husband and I tried to stay up to work out our conflict, and it never goes well at 1 in the morning. Just sleep and get rested and work it out in the morning. Your mind will be more clear and it will be easier to resolve.)

Now to talk about skills we can develop to help our communication! I’ll talk about what we discussed in class before I talk about what my husband and I do. Effective communication is using I-statements (I feel…) and reflective listening (so what you are saying is…?) Those two things have taught me a lot. Conflict resolution steps are identifying/define the issue, contract to work through the issues, understand the issue completely, identify wants for self, others, and the two of you, generate options, choose an action plan, and try the plan. My husband and I have

been constantly trying to perfect our plan. We usually don’t have the best starts to our arguments, so we call a time out almost every time. We take a thirty-minute break to calm down, so we can think clearly. If I haven’t come to talk to him within the thirty minutes, he comes to talk to me after the thirty minutes is up. Usually, once we have calmed down, we are able to talk about the issue without yelling. It usually goes pretty quickly after that.

I hope some of that information has been helpful or at least interesting. It was for me during class this week!