Transitions

This week in class we talked about family theories and creating healthy boundaries. I want to specifically write about boundaries today because that topic really captured my attention. We had a really great discussion in class on how we can create those boundaries between husband and wife, parent and child, and even between siblings. 

We got on this topic because we were talking about how often marriages fall apart after the couple has their first baby. I believe my professor said that the highest risk for divorce is between year two and five of the couple being married. For a lot of couples, that is when they have their first baby. So why is that? Why do couples seem to not do as well when they just had a miracle happen in their lives? I mean a baby is one of the biggest miracles of life. I think that women having the ability to grow life inside of them is one of the coolest things ever. But back to the topic. We talked about how when the baby is born it can for a time create unhealthy boundaries. The mom is busy taking care of the baby, which is a 24/7 job for sure. The husband gets a little pushed out of the bubble. One of my classmates said that the husband withdraws from the situation because he is a little jealous. That makes complete sense to me since the husband is used to spending all his free time with his wife. It was just the two of them, and now he has some competition for his wife’s attention. Instead of the healthy relationship and boundaries the husband and wife used to have, now the wife and their baby have an unhealthy hard boundary between them. They are so attached to each other and the dad can be left out. 

That sounds pretty sad, right? I know that I don’t want that to happen in my marriage when my husband and I have kids. So then, people were asking how they can avoid this from happening. I wished I had saved all of my classmates comments because I learn so much from them, but I will do my best to add the ones I do remember. One of the best ways that I have been taught to keep healthy boundaries between the husband and wife is to keep having weekly date nights. (Maybe even set time aside every time to have time just the two of them.) That is something I learned from my parents. They almost never missed a Friday night date night. They would even sometimes go on dates Saturday morning, too. I met this couple while I was serving as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Portland, Oregon. They were some of my favorite people I met. My companion and I were talking to them about their story, and the woman said that they taught their kids that each other came first. Meaning the husband or wife came before the kids did. At first, I was confused by that. I thought maybe that would be hard on the kids to know that their parents didn’t put them first. Then, I thought what a great example that is of a happy healthy marriage. They weren’t treating their kids poorly. They were teaching them what marriage looks like and to look for spouses that treat them really well. One person in my class said that the husband and wife are the foundation of the family. I thought that was really insightful. I love that! If the husband and wife have a good relationship with each other, they will be able to have good relationships with their children. How much more effective will their parenting be if they are strong and united?

Another suggestion was to involve the husband more in the parenting and nurturing of the kids because dad’s can be just as good at nurturing as mom’s are. We got to give the men some credit. Kids need both their mom and their dad. The husband can go to the doctor’s appointments with the wife. The wife can tell her husband what it feels like to have the baby moving around in her belly. Even have him feel when the baby moves or kicks. This can help the husband to not feel so left out of the experience. 

Those were just a few of the ideas shared, and I thought they were really great! I can’t wait to share other things I will learn from this class.